I have just enough motivation to keep it on my mind these days. This year, I was desperately needed by many friends, and all of these situations cost me greatly, and eventually even cost my friendships. They really never paid enough, and that's the story of the United States as a whole these days. Being outside of any realm of motivators and suffering from PTSD and manic depression, I was able to turn a 130 page script into a 420 page script, but it is still not enough.

After a car accident, all progress went dead for the past month, and I have simply exhausted the patience of my actors- some of whom were expecting more of me. That's the reality. I still maintain their support, but as far as their trust in my ability to complete this alone, it evaporated a while ago. A positive change this year is that I now have an emotional support animal who is the best animal I have ever owned, and although he exhausts many hours of each day, he is a good and solid lightning rod to reality that helps me combat PTSD, and I am seeing signs of it disappearing for good - also taking away from the emotional drive to complete Psychadica, as it is fueled by these things; however, the memories and the notes are still with me, and its just about doing the work and finding the headspace.

Still, I persist at my own pace, when there is room for a mental clearing. I know it can be done, I just want and need help doing it. Still, it is something I must carry the burden for for a long while.

I would offer an apology to those who are waiting, but truth be told, it hasn't been possible to manifest the conditions to create a successful project due to the fact that all the motivators, finances, resources, and interests already being siphoned and consumed in other media. This is something that every independent must face, but as time passes, it is more and more a defeating reality. We simply give the media giants too much power, and they abuse creators all the time, and the evidence is clear but the people don't care, and are kept on the outskirts of the problem in order to keep them feeling they can do nothing to help, and they shouldn't bother wasting their money or time.

As an individual, this is very defeating to trust taking the risk of completing a project and thus takes all the reward out of the game, spurring even more depression and unsettling emotions of failure, which is instinctively looked at by the human brain as an insane and unsafe behavior, and it automatically begins its own defense against furthering the activity. I am fighting all of these things, and more.

The difficulty of this has become insurmountable on the days when nothing gets done, and leaving just enough small room past all the distractions of the modern world to initiate filling the tank one milliliter at a time with enough fuel to push forward.

I ask you please, do not be disappointed in me or my actions. Everything - literally everything - that I would find rewarding has been diminished or taken from me, and pursuing this dream has thus become pursuing self destruction with a mere fantasy of an accomplishment; that is to say, the completion of the dream is the only real merit.

This generation and the media and all cultures across the world have seemed to contribute to the idea that Love and Sex is a deadweight to the human existence, that the pursuit of which is an insanity that belongs to the weak, that the future must be diminished and filled with turmoil and strife in order to make the relationships work, and that there is always someone out there to take what you have, and my driving motivation was always to find a love who was beautiful and fulfilling, and with technology and culture the way that it is, it has made this also impossible. There are so many LGBTQ alternatives that saturate the pool of dating, there are so many horrible and terrible tales of failed relationships and insane people and paranoia and distrusts and tensions, that the task has become exhausting.

Not only this, but the sheer amount of sexual exploitation on internet promotional sites has clearly shifted almost all cultural favor to females, and this has entitled them to free access to resources and motivators daily, which only increases the distance between success and education curves between genders, empowering the anti-men movement with supporters for years, and while this most recently has taken a step backwards due to the failures of many female led projects and clear and evident bias of trying and failing to focus everyone's attention onto the successes, the movement itself has created a stigma that has for years made it less rewarding and less supported to create a male driven product, which had been a setback for many years, making me feel like content in this product specifically was going to be relentlessly attacked by the public, and thus making me prepare many layers of changes and justifications that still fell into the image of the original product, but compromised me and my learning curve.

There has been setback after setback, all of which stems from my own cultural conditioning and the many real-world problems that being raised in an abused and religious household which punished me for making friends and punished me for making freewill choices that would allow me to connect with higher levels of ideas in the world has consistently set me back with, and it - for many years - made me extremely suicidal. I had to battle these memories atop the actual traumas, and it took nearly a decade to find a reason to live, ultimate realizing that I had been mechanically programmed to be self-destructive, and fail to see reality as it actually was, and I had to come to terms with years of brutality that I was doing to myself and my own mind to just try and find a day where I could stabilize. This in part was also the responsibility of the last 20 years of generational support for mental health, in which bombarded the pool of what should have been positive and healthy motivators with ideas that were inconsistent and all over the place and turned what otherwise could have been informative environments into environments that spurred emotional logic out of control, which made it incredibly difficult to find balance and incredibly difficult to be aware of just where I actually was.

This all took an incredibly amount of effort, and these are just the problems that I am willing to discuss, as they are problems that many individuals have had their own experiences with by now. These have been a huge setback for me creatively, and me financially, and me in any realm of stable position in society which would have given me an edge to trust that I could continue safely with this project without putting my survivability on the line. I was not built on stable grounds to begin with, and it seemed like everyone else was being supplied with exactly what they needed to survive while my house was crumbling. While I did have support, it was clearly never enough, and it was clearly not what I needed to succeed, otherwise success would have came. Those actions are formulaic. They have a solution. And even in the math, I was not prepared. I was not raised in a stable home, as I was a child of divorce that was alway moving and my freedoms were almost always subservient to the conveniences of my abusive grandmother, and her idiotic daughter - my mother. My father was labelled a villain, despite doing nothing wrong, and I had no example of any real confidence until I immersed myself into fiction, during which time my mother married an ex-con which attempted to kill our family for 7 years of my life for an insurance claim, and it was a nightmare to survive, and more so a nightmare to recover from, and emotionally draining, and exhausting to try and fill in the gaps on how to be an adult.

All of these things directly impacted me every single waking moment of my life. And I was lucky enough to have a creative outlet for these things, and have just enough time away from those problems to work for employers that were clearly using me for cheap labor, and setting me back further and further, selling information on me where possible, setting me up for failure many times to try and make a quick dollar, literally hiring actors to come and try and trick me into saying fucked up things to make me look like a terrible person so that they could have something to use as leverage against me. Putting me in a state of mind where I have to be so suspicious of everyone and everything, even when it was unnecessary to do so, and making me more unstable, clearly taking things out on people around me that didn't deserve it at times, and learning to reinforce my own isolation just to have some space to gauge right and wrong.

This was my life for 30 years. And I hate it. I hated it so much. You cannot imagine how difficult this has been for me. So please, if you are not going help me, don't call me a failure, don't treat me with disappointment. Don't say I never come through with anything. I have done what needed to be done, and working more and more is only promising more days where I am unstable, and I am too good of a person to deserve this. I have donated thousands of hours to charity, and tens of thousands of dollars trying to support who I thought was the right people, to only find out later that they were just feeding the same problem that was keeping me here. I deserve better than this.

Anyways. Thanks for letting me inform you.